Wednesday, July 24, 2013

So you want to speak in Tongues

Disclaimer: The following is a joke, do not link to this as if this is a real script. I believe tongues are possible, I just think the following is absurd.

So, YOU want to learn to speak in tongues?! Following my lessons will increase your quantity of the Spirit by 134%.  After enough practice you can master my program and be like the new Benny Hinn! Remember this is Tongues 101, not Tongues 201, which incorporates physical actions like dancing. Tongues 301 incorporates rolling on the floor. Tongues 401 and 501 are for graduate students only and teach you to cry, paint, moan, and to be slain, with emphasis on mastery of being "drunk in the Spirit."

First, you need to prepare.

Start off your prayer in a public setting so people can hear your prayer, a street corner, or church, or prayer meeting, just so as long as God and others can hear your prayer, avoid any private settings or "prayer closet"--God cannot hear you in those. Then, select one of two options:

a)Speak assertively--Choosing this option forces YHWH to hear you are using authority, and this proves to others your authority. IF you select this, speak in a loud, stern voice.
b)Speak passionately--Choosing this option requires you to speak very emotionally as if losing your breath, and makes your public prayer appear humble and holy among bystanders. 

Remember, you can later change A to B, or B to A while praying, in fact a well seasoned tongue talker will be able to do so with ease. As you pray, do not give anyone the opportunity to interrupt your long winded prayer, they will distract you from proving your Prophethood.

As you pray, ask for prayer requests that you can do--a well seasoned tongue talker will be given first priority for prayer requests. Its also advisable to pray using an accent, some form of Southern drawl is best.

Use the falling script:

"We bring to you today Father, x. We pray that you heal him/her. We know you are the God of healing. Halleujah. Thank you Lord God, Hallejuah. In Jesus Name. Halleujah, thank you Jesus, Thank you Jesus."

*note, make sure you vainly repeat sections over and over, similar to the rosary, but not quite--God forbid you sound Catholic.

Now continue with the following scripture, remember to follow it as if it were a liturgy--which you as a Pentecostal reject completely:

"Halleujah Father, we come against it in the name of Jesus, hallelujah, Father. Heal x in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus, Come against it/this in the Name Of Jesus, your word says you will do y (quote a scripture that is relevant or not to healing, or substitute it with something that sounds like it could be in the bible). I rebuke that spirit of y [be creative, think of a demon to blame the person affliction on. Touch X from the top of his/her head to the tips of his/her toes, in the name of Jesus. Father, makes sure .....happens. Set them free Father, in the name of Jesus. Praise God, praise God, praise God. praise God. Make it go in the name of Jesus, halleujah Father."

Remember, if anyone thinks you are crazy, drunk, or high then you are doing it right! After all, some of the Apostles' critics at Pentecost accused them of being drunk! Some foolish heretics think they were simply slandering the apostles, nonsense, the apostles absolutely appear greatly inebriated, since they were! Some fools will point to St Peter's word immediately afterwards denying they were drunk, do not listen to such doubt. They certainly rolled around like animals, slapping people, and babbling!

At this point quote lots of scripture, so as to demonstrate before God and man your knowledge of the bible, even if its not necessarily relevant to the situation, doing this makes you wise in the Lord.

Now, is when you are prepared to tongue talking. If you are experienced you may have already started! If you are a novice, I recommend this scripture--the key is to make your prayer language sound like a real language, selecting Hebrew, or some Spanish like language is ideal--assuming the bystanders are not knowledgeable of those languages, doing such is ill advised. Here is a sample script to follow, this you refine and adapt your own prayer language:

Yahala bara boshata. Tostada hada el borakada. [Insert some intelligible words, then resume with tongues.]
Remember, using the same words when praying in tongues is absolutely fine, in fact most people will not realize it, and the ones you do you can easily dismiss as mockers and blasphemers that deny the POWER of the SPirit.

Remember, a well experienced tongue talker can naturally fall between tongues and real words with easy.

Continue with these words:

"Give x a double portion. Build a hedge around him/her Lord, restore him, O Lord. Bahaha shada ala tostada, hafada enchildada. amen"

Address a short prayer to Satan(somewhat similar to what Catholics do when addressing angels and saints to ask them to intercede, but they cannot hear you, however, Satan and his demons are more powerful and can hear):

Devil get away from x in the name of Jesus, halleujah, you have no authority of them. Get back Satan!

Then address those bystanders standing in awe:

Bless us Father, that we may walk in the newness of life, may we talk in the anointing of Jesus, hallelujah God, praise Jesus, praise Jesus, praise Jesusssss, we thank you Lord God. Hababa hababa Shaba  imbalatada!
Then address any doubters around:

O Lord, cast out any spirit of doubt, O Lord, free us of any negative spirit, that we may live in the newness of Christ, hallelujah Lord. Shananananababa yabadabadooo!
It is strongly advised you turn the prayer into a long, drawn out sermon, with the occasional reminding God of what He wrote, otherwise God may very well forget what He Himself had written. You may continue with a mix of the above.

When ending your long prayer, of vain like repetition, laden with the Spirit, you can use the following:
We thank you Lord, for sending the Comforter, that we walk in the newness, Believe in God because He believes in you! Tostada! Enchilda, shahada, hababa. For in my fathers house there are many mansions, as Jesus said "I am the way the truth and the Life" We have come out of the world and into the Newness. As it is said in Ephesians "we have the armor of the Lord" for we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against powers and principality. We take on the whole armor of God to go against the enemy that comes. Yabadabadooo!
Resume with quoting every scripture very you ever knew, this is most efficacious. Then cap that off with:

Remember to pray in the Spirit, for the day of deliverance. Listen for His voice, He will guide us, praise God, praise God. Did you know when the Israelites walked thru the  desert that they could have walked only 11 days and not 40 years? Hallelujah.

Remember, to go in between praying to God, addressing Satan directly, and addressing your bystanders.
Then say:
We thank you Lord, Father, Baraka shema bababala haha shemama. Father God, we glorify you o Lord, our finisher of our faith. Let these illnesses drop off Father, that we be free. Supply X with a new job, prepare a way for her. We thank you father, we praise you father, halleujah father. Praise God, praiseeee God, praiseee God, we thank you in Jesus name, amen and amen, halleujah, amen, praise God! TOSTADA, chulupa, baba tosadata shadatata! You know folks when you ask anything of Jesus in His name He will give it to you. Hobababa blaw blaw blawblaw! We praise you Lord, we praise you.

Now go in between doing something else and praying, going back and forth between the two.  Do not give anyone a chance for interpretation of the tongues you spoke in, unless they are preapproved by you personally in advance. And remember, never allow more than one person to interpret tongues, since they may contradict, casting doubt on your Holiness. For these reasons, its best to omit interpretation completely. 

After you finish  praying, give your testimony about how the first time you spoke in tongues you were drunk and high on drugs. Hallelujah! 

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